Yes to Life! Coaching

Tip #2: Agree about whether this conversation – or part of it – is confidential or not.

It would seem like this idea is a no-brainer. Of course it would be confidential.

But let’s look at what confidentiality can look like. In it’s simple form it may mean you won’t tell anyone what the caregiver told you. Or there may be a small group of people that the caregiver would be comfortable being in the know.

Or it may mean that you and the caregiver agree about what, if anything, might be shared with other people. For example, you might not share the nature or details of the medical condition that the person being cared for is dealing with. Or share only the most basic information about it. But you might agree that it’s okay to let people know that she is going for treatment and needs rides for her children to their after school activities. You might offer to be the coordinator of this or help the caregiver to set up a caresite (caring bridge.com, lotsahelpinghands.com) that has a calendar on it that people can directly use to find out what is needed and sign up for it.

So the “what” and the “who” are areas to discuss and come to an agreement on.

Having this conversation can help the caregiver open up to your caring and support while feeling secure that her personal boundaries will be respected.

Having this conversation is in itself an expression of caring and support. It’s a powerful one. It’s a gift. And, a pretty distinctive and wonderful gift for this time of year!

Holidays increase stress for everyone, especially caregivers. A new APA study found that more than 6 out of 10 Americans report significantly more stress during the holidays (Here’s the link.)

Caregivers need to find ways to manage their stress this holiday season and family and friends can use their holiday gatherings to help them do this. But first they need to open the door to a conversation with the caregiver about how they are doing. Here are tips for them to get this conversation going and allowing the love and support to flow.

1) Begin a respectful, productive conversation with the caregiver without invading their privacy.
2) Agree about whether this conversation – or part of it – is confidential or not.
3) Ask questions about the caregiver’s well-being and be a good listener.
4) Honor and affirm the caregiver for their generosity, perseverance, and commitment.
5) Explore ways to share the care and be part of the caregiver’s circle of support.
6) Offer to help them explore the possibilities of using a caresite ( i.e. a free, easy to set up and easy to use website that helps caregivers get the support they need in the ways they want it).

Over the next week I will focus on each of these 6 tips.

Before we start, I offer a few questions for you to consider and comment on.

Which friends of yours are doing caregiving – either directly or from afar?
Who can you imagine might be open to having a conversation with you about how they are doing?
What will it take for you to be willing to step forward and start a conversation with them?

My big message this holiday season? This all about relationship and connection. Caregivers can not do this alone. You can use the warmth of your holiday gathering to open up the healing possibilities that are right in front of you.

This is the fifth installment in my series of posts about beliefs many of us family caregivers have which hold us back from reaching out for the love and support we and our loved ones need.

Fear of imposing on people.

Imposing. Asking for something without regard to the other person or their own needs. Pushing someone to do something they don’t want to do.

There are three parts to this challenge:

1. Having a value of not wanting to impose on other people

2. Assuming that reaching out and asking for help is automatically imposing on others

3. Unpacking that connection so that asking is asking and imposing is imposing

The first one, not wanting to impose on other people, is one that all of us would agree with.

So the problem comes with #2, equating asking with imposing.

Before addressing this entanglement of concepts, it’s important to share with you the reports that so many caregivers have given me. So many people who they’ve reached out to have been deeply grateful to be asked, to have been given an opportunity to pitch in. It often helped them see their lives in a broader perspective; it lessened their sense of worry or powerlessness to make a difference in the recipient’s struggles and challenges; it simply felt good to help.

Now back to the idea of equating asking with imposing.

Each of us has our own way of looking at this and, consequently, our own way of disentangling these two ideas. So, please consider these questions:

• When would your asking someone clearly not be imposing on them?

• When would it clearly be an imposition on them?

What is it that pushes it over the line into imposing? The way you ask? Your sense of whether the other person would feel free or pressured?

I once spoke about this with my older sister. Her communications style sometimes felt to me like she was commanding me to do something, rather than asking me to do it. I truly wanted to be helpful to her. So I told her that she could always ask me to do anything. She could trust that I’d do my best to be responsive, while still paying attention to my other needs at the time. As the “askee” I aimed to be helpful to her and also honest about when I could say yes and when I needed to say no (or not now, etc.)

As the “asker” what can you do to make it easier and more comfortable to the “askee” to respond freely and more truthfully?

Sometimes when I’m about to make a request of a friend, I’ll begin by telling them I’m about to make a request of them and asking them to assure me that they will feel free to truthfully say yes or no.

You undoubtedly can come up with easier and better ways of doing this. And, in doing so, you will have made it easier for you to reach out and get the love and support you and your loved one need.

Let us know how you do this, insights you’ve gained, stories about how you have wrested with this, and any new ways you are about to invent to make this work better.

This is the fourth installment in my series of posts about self-limiting beliefs that hold us family caregivers back from reaching out for the love and support we and our loved ones need.

Like the beliefs we’ve already discussed, concern for you family’s privacy is very easy to understand and to empathize with. No one would choose to live in a fish bowl. Not even a fish!

The good news is that you can protect your privacy while allowing in the love and support you and your loved one need. This blog post will show you how.

For starters, you may want to view my Kitchen Table Chat video I made for Patient Power on this topic: Caregivers: How to Set Comfortable Boundaries and Get the Help You Need http://goo.gl/4OskW

In that video I tell the story of how my friend Betsy reached out to me when her husband Mel, a long time dear friend of mine, was dying. Even at that terribly trying time, she realized that what she needed was personal space, not company. And her strength in being able to tell me that was a true teaching in how we can respect our own needs and still have love in our lives.

So, there are two things to do here:

Decide what kinds of privacy are important to you and your loved one:

– What issues are to be kept private? Your loved one’s current prognosis? Your family dynamics? Your financial situation?

– Who do you want to be in the know about your loved one’s condition and the ongoing specifics of what is going on. You may think of a few concentric circles of people, with you and loved one in the center (and any other family members who belong there with you) with the outer circles reflecting who you want to connect with and with what level of intimacy.

Choose the easiest way for you to let people know how to respect your needs:

– Email – You can send a group e-mail yourself or ask someone on a list serve that you participate in (congregation, organization, community) to send it on your behalf.

– Caresites – These sites – caringbridge.com, lotsahelpinghands.com and carepages.com – are free websites that are very easy to set up and use. They make it easy to let people know what’s going on and what your family needs. More to the point here, they allow you to set your own privacy settings as to who has access to your site (anyone who hears about your needs or only people that you invite to participate) and what is communicated to them.

– Declaration of Interdependence – Use this tool, which is soon to be included in a Caregiver Gift Packet for those who sign up at www.yestolifecoaching.com. Meanwhile, it can be found in Coaching for Caregivers,(p. 40 ). It can help you let people know your preferences about the attitudes and behaviors that would be most helpful to you and your loved one. For example, “Please leave your worries on the doorstep.” Or, “We prefer your visits to be frequent but brief.” Or, “Please ask me first if I want to talk about the medical situation or not.” Or, “Please ask me how you can best be supportive of me right now.” If telling people your preferences seems too bold or off putting to you and you want to get past your reluctance, I recommend you get a copy of my Entitlement Learner’s Permit another goodie from my book(p.33), that Dr. Bernie Siegel and I created for this purpose in our earlier book, Help Me To Heal.

Don’t let the fear of intrusion get in the way of you getting all the love and support that you and your loved one are entitled to receiving.

I encourage you not to ignore this issue, but to manage it so that you and your loved one get what you need. I know you’ll be glad you did.