Yes to Life! Coaching

Two weeks ago I began this series of posts to explore the self-limiting beliefs that caregivers often have that hold them back from reaching out for the love and support that they and their loved ones need.

The first one I explored was: Nobody else can do what I do for my loved one.
The second one was: My loved one won’t accept help from anyone but me.

This week’s belief to explore is:
I’m too busy to even begin to think about doing anything more – even reaching out.

This belief is very easy to understand and to be empathetic with. When we’re exhausted or on overwhelm, how are we going to begin thinking about doing anything beyond what we’re already doing? And reaching out certainly sounds like a major bit of doing.

But, as you might suspect, I don’t see it that way. I’d like you to consider the idea that reaching out is not just another item on a “to do” list. It’s on a different kind of list, a “to be” list. This item on the list is about being connected. About being receptive to the web of connections that can make our tough times much more endurable and our better times much more enjoyable.

Since I said this is not another to do, but a to be, let’s let this be a very short blog.

Instead of my usual suggestions of things to do to move forward on the topic being discussed, how about simply taking a few moments and imagine yourself being open to receiving the love and support that is flowing towards you. Try this even if you don’t quite believe it right now. Relax into it. Imagine your antenna beaming out letting people know you are in receptive mode. Relax into it.

So be it. (Sorry, I just couldn’t resist saying this!). That’s all for now. I want you to take good care of yourself. And opening up more to love and support is a great way of doing that.

Stay tuned for my next week’s assault on other beliefs that hold caregivers back from getting the love and support that they need.

Last week I began this series of posts to explore the self-limiting beliefs that caregivers often have that hold them back from reaching out for the love and support that they and their loved ones need.

The first one I explored was: Nobody else can do what I do for my loved one.
The conclusion I came to is that nobody can necessarily do things in the same way you do, but many people can do those things in ways that would still be appropriate and valuable for your loved one. And, their ways could even enrich rather than detract from your loved one’s experience.

This week’s belief to explore is: My loved one won’t accept help from anyone but me.

First, to what degree is that really the case? How do you know? It may simply be that you’ve always been the one, so it’s assumed that ‘s the way it needs to be. Or it may be your loved one’s preference to have you provide all the care, but not their insistence on it. Maybe the idea has never come up. And maybe you are assuming this is the case. Maybe it’s time to have a conversation with your loved one to check it out.

A few suggestions about approaching that conversation. When considering bringing in other people to help out, you’re not considering bringing “anybody” in. Rather, you’d be thinking about what’s important to you and your loved one. This includes how comfortable you’d both be with that person, how respectful of your privacy they would be, how sensitive they would be to your loved one’s moods and preferences, and any other things that are especially important for both of you.

The two of you might be playful with this and consider this a casting call with both of you being the casting directors. Doing this in your own way will make it obvious to you both that you are making choices and that doing so is a good thing in itself.

If, however, it turns out that your loved one is not amenable to working this out with you, and is adamant about not being willing to accept help from anyone else, you’ll need to get clear about what you are willing to do. This was exactly the situation that Mildred, a reader of Coaching for Caregivers, recently found herself in. Her husband was demanding that she do it all herself. She felt trapped and angry about it and reached out to me for advice.

I suggested to her that even if I and every experienced caregiver would tell her over and over that doing it all herself would be a sure fire way towards burnout, she was the only one who could decide what was right for her. If she was not willing to comply with his wishes, they, as a couple had a conflict that they needed to manage. I suggested she consider enlisting the help of a clergy person, a social worker or a family counselor or therapist. Her loved one’s refusal to consider outside help most likely comes from fear of what that experience might be like for him. Utilizing a professional could provide a safe way for him one to express and work through such feelings and help her acknowledge and affirm that her needs are important here as well. From our conversation, I already had a sense that she was beginning to take her own needs more seriously and that, no matter what course she chose, she was no longer going to ignore those needs.

Meanwhile, if you have been in such a situation and have insights and successful experiences to share with other caregivers, let us hear from you!

Stay tuned for next week’s featured self-limiting belief: I’m too busy to even begin to think about doing anything more – even reaching out. I’m betting that you’ll somehow not be too busy to check it out!

Family caregivers too often suffer from two very common things: overwhelm and isolation. Or, to it put another way, exhaustion and loneliness. So often, the nature of illness and trauma not only disrupts our normal ways of living, but also disrupts our connections with people who care about us. Caregivers who reach out for support gain the benefits of lessening their burdens and of feeling the warmth provided by people who care.

Too often, caregivers hold back from reaching out because of beliefs they have about doing so. Here are some that I’ve heard most frequently:

• Nobody else can do what I do for my loved one.

• My loved one won’t accept help from anyone but me.

• I’m too busy to even begin to think about doing anything more – even reaching out.

• The moment I start reaching out, our family will lose our privacy.

• I’m afraid of imposing on people.

• Reaching out shows weakness; doing it yourself shows strength.

• I’m afraid that nobody will come forward to help me.

• Since I’m able to handle things now, I’ll be able to continue to do so.

These, beliefs, while completely understandable and very common, are neither healthy for you as a caregiver or for your loved one. They get in the way of your resilience and your capacity to sustain yourself for however long your caregiving will be required.

Each week, I will be focusing in on one of these self-limiting beliefs and inviting you to see if they are holding you back from getting what you and your loved one need. And if they are, to embrace a new belief that works much better for you.

Let’s get right into it with the first one:

Nobody else can do what I do for my loved one.

In the process of co-founding and leading Apple to becoming such a premier company, Steve Jobs needed to learn many things. But, learning to delegate was probably one of the toughest things for him to learn. Known to his colleagues as an obsessive control freak, he was forever involved in the micro details of every aspect of product development, engineering, aesthetics, marketing, etc. But, somehow, he just had to let go and create space for his extraordinary fellow visionaries to bring their magic to the tasks at hand at Apple. He did and Apple became so enormously successful.

So what does this have to do with caregiving? Hint: everything.

Try this belief on for size: I’m the only one who can be trusted to take care of my loved one; there is no task, even a small one, that I can entrust to someone else.
1(Not Me!)…………………………………………………10(Yes, this is me!)
…
On this scale, where would you place yourself?

If you are anywhere from a “6” to a “10”, I believe you are at risk of burning out.

And let me be blunt. If you do burn out, you will be doing what you’re so determined not to do: abandoning your loved one. Let’s agree that is not going to happen. You’re determined not to let it happen. So read on for some practical steps you can take now to put your determination into action. If Steve Jobs was able to do this, you certainly can.

But first, try on some new beliefs that can boost your chances of doing this successfully:

• I am capable and resourceful enough to find other people who will help to lighten the load I am carrying.
1…………………………………………………………………………………………………10

• There are people who care about me and my loved one who will love to do things for us that we need.
1………………………………………………………………………………………………….10

• I am truly helping my loved one by finding ways to keep me healthy and resilient.
1………………………………………………………………………………………………….10

Where would you place yourself on each of these on a scale of “1” to “10?”

Now a few tips to get started:

1. Think of the things on your “to do” list today. Find one or two which are straightforward simple tasks to do e.g. picking up meds at the pharmacy, dropping off books at the library, walking the dog, picking up the cleaning.
2. Choose one thing and think of someone close by who could have done that one thing.
3. Create a “to do” list for tomorrow. Do the same thing of identifying simple tasks and thinking of someone whom you can ask to do it.
4. Reach out and ask them – giving them a day in advance to get it done.
5. Appreciate them.
6. Appreciate yourself for beginning to lighten your load.
7. Repeat this action tomorrow and the next day.
8. Continue to appreciate your helpers and yourself.
9. You’re on your way!!!!

There are certainly always going to be things that only you can handle. But the more you can strip away the things that others can take on, the lighter your load will be and the healthier and more resilient you will be.

So as you may well be enjoying many of the gifts that Steve Jobs left as his legacy, let yourself receive this one – delegating – as your own special one.

This week, at my suggestion, The Caregiver Space posed a question on their Facebook page: If you had an hour break today what would you do for yourself?

The response was great: within a day over 100 people commented. See: https://www.facebook.com/TheCaregiverSpace/posts/782189718462471?stream_ref=10

Some people were astonished at the question, not even being able to imagine having an hour of free time. One especially creative person said, “No idea….when I get that hour, maybe I will know!”

You will not be surprised that the most frequent response was “SLEEP!” 31 people said they’d spend their one free hour sleeping or napping. So many of the other respondents sought some form of rest as well: luxuriating in a bath (15), with a manicure-pedicure (7) or massage (7).

Is it news that caregivers need sleep? Everyone needs sleep! In 2006 the Institute of Medicine reported that 50-70 million Americans were sleep deprived. A study by the National Sleep Foundation, published this past September, found that this is a global problem as well. But how do we help people get more sleep?

We know that lack of sleep affects our moods, our attitude and our spirit. Sleep deprivation harms our immune system by reducing killer cell activity and increasing the risk of clinical depression, hypertension or even stroke. It also impacts our ability to provide good care and our ability to sustain ourselves in doing so. We don’t need statistics: we know it from how we feel.

So let’s do something about it. Here’s what I propose: the Nap Challenge – Give a Nap. Take a Nap!

And here’s how it can work.

GIVE A NAP: Friends/family/fellow congregants of caregivers: reach out and offer to visit and provide respite time to a family caregiver you know who can use it. If this feels awkward to you, tell them that this playful author and life coach, Yosaif, suggested it and that you thought you’d try it out. Help them figure out a good time to do it. They know the general rhythm of the day for their loved one; maybe it can correspond to when she/he also usually naps.

TAKE A NAP: Family Caregivers, now is the time to step up this challenge by lying down and getting some soothing rest. Think about an hour of napping being a kind of spiritual vitamin – to help your spirit as well as your body and mind. Now, think about a few people whom you’d feel comfortable reaching out to whom your loved one would be comfortable having in your home. If you can, discuss this with your loved one. Then reach out to each of them and try it out. You might even tell them that, in addition to the benefits for you and your loved one, you’re part of a larger idea – this Nap Challenge: Give a Nap! Take a Nap! – of helping to spread the Nap Challenge to family caregivers and their supportive friends all around the world.

Do it now! And let me and The Caregiver Space (http://thecaregiverspace.org/) know the successes and great stories you can share with us about the wondrous things that will start to happen.

Meanwhile, pleasant dreams to you….until we meet again!